Triple Digit Days

Can you believe it? And it's barely June! We're sweltering here in the Upstate, and have been reduced to sheltering in our albeit very nice basement. It's way cooler. It is now two weeks until I leave for Adelaide, and boy is it craaaaazy stressful. I still have many preparations to make, and am feeling the pressure. I'm sure it will all work out, and in two weeks and two days (it's a two-day trip) I will be an official ex-pat! (Well, kind of)

Procrastination

No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to find the will to do my work. These are the only two days of the week I actually have deadlines, and I can't seem to make them. What is wrong with me??!! Perhaps it's the gorgeous weather.... or the fact that I'm a senior graduating in less than two weeks (grad school notwithstanding).... or the wonder that is Hulu. Whatever the reason, instead of doing my work I'm doing everything but. Hence why I'm writing for my blog, and not my ten-page paper, the rough draft of which is due today, or studying for my last final, which is tomorrow.

I think I'm just ready to be done, though the fact that I can't seem to do work consistently has me worried that I won't transition into the working world well. I haven't worked a true full-time job in several years, and I'm worried I won't be able to focus to do it right. I feel like it's gotten worse as I've gotten older; I used to be able to dive in and spend six hours studying. I actually remember working on Fridays and Saturdays, which I've refused to do since sophomore year. My hope is that it's just a disillusionment with college and college work, and that next year I'll be revitalized to make the final push to finish it, and the transition to a job will motivate me more. Will I really be able to go to a job, though, work 40-hour weeks month after month, with no change and fewer vacations to punctuate the passage of time? I guess I'll have to find out, but I'm very afraid of failing.

Yesterday was my last Soundbytes rehearsal ever. It felt anti-climactic, to be honest. It hasn't quite sunk in yet that I won't be singing with them anymore (or singing and performing consistently, woah). It'll be the first time since I was 13 that I won't be in a singing group of some kind, and it's not likely I'll join one for at least another year. Crazy thought. The transition has begun, and I'm more ready to let go than I thought I would be at this juncture (though part of that is because it was forced on me, I think). Still, it's really hard, and it will be a change for all of us, regardless of if that registers on them yet or not.

This has been a really random post, and you can probably see why it's been so hard for me to write my paper! I'm so ready to let go of all this pent-up anxiety over a ton of things, both conscious and subconscious.

Let's Get Purple!

Carnival was really fun this year. I spent a lot of time with a ton of different people, and the booths this year were pretty great. It was also a record-breaking year for buggy, as SDC and Pika both broke the speed record set by Spirit 20 years ago several times. Soundbytes alums also came back, and while I didn't get to hang out with them as much as I would have liked, it was good to see them.

Also, I attended Holi for the first time, which was incredibly fun. I was nearly unrecognizable by the end, and so was everyone else. Now to just get the color off me.... (which will probably take a while).

Winter melts into spring

Winter is officially over. It has been for a while I guess, but the weather has been so gorgeous lately I just needed to punctuate it with a reminder that it is truly the height of spring here in Pittsburgh. And lest we forget, Carnival starts tomorrow; officially Thursday, but no one minds celebrating early. Unfortunately, only one of my classes is canceled for the rest of the week. Heinz doesn't observe our little holiday, but I will anyway. I'm still an undergraduate in name!

To reminisce a bit, I'd like to recall my previous three Carnivals. (I honestly can't believe I've been here four years).

Year 1: I ended up getting sick, so right after seeing The Shins concert, and feeling very under the weather, I slept through the rest of Carnival on Niquil. It was also my first Carnival concert with Soundbytes, where we had pictures taken of the group I will probably have with me forever. I <3 those amazing people.

Year 2: The first time I got drunk. I was a late-bloomer, but I eventually learned to enjoy alcohol. ^_-

Year 3: This year was a doozy. I dove whole-heartedly into the festivities unlike previous years and enjoyed myself immensely. I participated in booth for the first time (Fringe Trap won third place!!) and also got to see buggy for the first time. The best Carnival yet, and there are certainly some unforgettable memories. Even if I forget, I'll still have the pictures....

Year 4: Starts tomorrow! We'll see how it measures up. I don't expect to get nearly so drunk or participate half as much (if you've seen buggy once, there's really no need to see it again), but I think I'll still have fun.

Also, last Saturday was Soundbytes first annual No Instruments Aloud Invitational Concert (we're still trying to come up with a name for it, defaulting on calling it NIA which is a definite misnomer). We spent the majority of the semester collaborating with members of The Originals to put together a huge concert, inviting groups we've performed with or know from other colleges. In total, we had six who performed: Soundbytes, The Originals, and Counterpoint from Carnegie Mellon, Cornell's Key Elements, Penn State's Savoir Faire, and the University of Pittsburgh's Sounds of Pleasure. It was unbelievably packed; we sold out McConomy, which I hadn't expected, especially given the fact that there were at least three other large events going on that evening. We usually don't charge for concerts, which made it all the more incredible that we got the crowd we did.

One of my favorite parts about the concert was the film. We decided to theme the concert and film skits about a cappella life, in the vein of The Real World and The Office. It was called Real World Pittsburgh: True Confessions of an A Cappella Group. They ended up being absolutely hilarious, and probably made the concert. If you'd like to see it, look up Soundbytes on facebook; it's listed as "No Instruments Aloud 2008 video". I have a pretty large part in it. :)

The groups we invited turned out to be great people. I spent most of the time with members of Key Elements, who rock. Hopefully we can invite people back next year, and expand the concert to make it a yearly, well-attended event.

In other news, my plans are underway for going to Australia. I still can't believe I'm going, but I'm so incredibly excited!!! I'm going to schedule my classes next week, and this weekend during my down time I'm going to begin the visa process. I also need to nail down a place to live and a summer internship, but I'm hoping I can smooth those out pretty quickly.

Fate Intervenes

I've never been a big believer in destiny. Maybe it's because I love thinking that I have some control over my life, or that I just don't believe in any higher power pulling the strings of our lives (or both). I also have thought it was an easy way to mask reality and find meaning in mere coincidence. However, some great things have been happening to me lately, that while I certainly don't ascribe them to fate or my innate destiny for greatness, they have certainly improved my life in ways I hadn't expected.

Mostly, this concerns one area: Australia. It is pretty common knowledge that I have been wanting to go on an exchange there next year. However, I recently have settled on plans that make this nearly certain (99%). Not only will I be studying in Adelaide for a semester, but I will also be working there from June-August before classes begin. The exchange is heavily supported by my school, to the point where they are actually giving me some funding! I have never thought it could work out so well or so easily, and I will be living there for longer than I anticipated, which is amazing. So from June to December, consider me an expatriate!!

It has been a dream of mine since I can remember to study abroad, and my commitments in Pittsburgh over the last four years made it impossible. This opportunity gives me an incredible end to an incredible college experience, and I think it's really lucky.

Everything works out for the best sometimes, I guess. I was sad that I didn't get the job in Portland, but this is so much better! And the rest of the semester is looking to be jam-packed with fun things to do. It's going to be a race to the finish, but I'm looking forward to [almost] every minute of it.

Also, I thought I'd share my senior yearbook photo. I'd gotten a bunch taken in February, and in looking over the proofs, this one was our favorite. There are a couple more I also liked, but we'll see if they make the final cut.

50 Days and Counting

It is officially 50 days until I graduate! How crazy is that? It still doesn't feel quite real, like it's not really going to happen, even though I've already ordered my cap and gown, and started looking at diploma frames.

This year has gone by quickly and slowly, simultaneously. I was worried in September that I wouldn't be ready for this, the final stretch culminating in the closing of the (nearly) final chapter of my education. I have loved college, and at that point wasn't ready to leave, and couldn't even conceive of a me that was ready. I'm both happy, and sad, to say that it is no longer true. I am not only looking forward to the future of a life when I'm not in college, but I almost can't wait for it to arrive. I say almost, because there's still a lot of uncertainty and fear attached to it. I don't know where I'll be, what I'll be doing, or if I'll be successful at it. However, I'm still enjoying the not knowing. I suppose it helps that I'm sticking around for a graduate degree, but even that is more of an expedient to get a better and higher-paying job than a real desire to stay. While I do love Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon, it's getting to be time to leave. That's probably one of the reasons why I'm so excited for the opportunity to go to Australia. (While not set in stone, it's looking more and more certain that I'll be there for about 9 months). I think I would have very much regretted not studying abroad later in life, so it's almost fate that I am able to get everything I originally wanted from my college experience so easily.

As of right now though, I have a loose agenda for the final 50. I plan to spend as much time with the people I love from Carnegie Mellon as possible. Who knows when we'll see each other again? My four years needs a proper and happy conclusion, and I'll be damned if I let anything stand in the way. ^_^

Why don't people blog anymore?

Seriously. I'm usually fairly regular about it, once a week or so, partly because I like using my blog as a means of connecting with people I see rarely, and partly to keep a history of what I've been up to, to reference in the future (at least, that would be an option). However, much of what I love about blogs has nothing to do with mine, but with those I try to read. I enjoy hearing other people's thoughts on a variety of subjects, and usually it's a treat to read something well-written and thought out. But recently most of the blogs I peruse regularly have gone off the radar, and nothing has been published in months. It's sad, but true, that I miss these regular updates, even from people I see several times a week. If they don't update now, what's going to happen when I don't see them everyday? This has already started happening, and will be even more significant in a few months.... Graduation is just 73 days away, people! Let's stay connected. Indulge my voyeuristic tendencies! Update! Update more often!!

That is all. :)

99

It is officially 99 days until I graduate! It's a mixed bag, because I'm realizing more and more how much I want to graduate, but I'm still not totally ready for the change. I guess the Heinz School will be my buffer period. :)

In other news, I fell in love with a new art form: hot glass. Today was the first day of my glass-blowing class, and it was incredibly fun. I'm looking forward to my next classes, and actually getting to make something (which won't happen for several weeks).

I also saw Across the Universe last night, a.k.a. one of the best movies I've seen in a while. They really GOT The Beatles, and the cast performed the songs so well. The arrangements of the songs were also great. Plus, Jim Sturgess is just hot.

All in all, rather random. But yay!

Delicious Ambiguity

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

- Gilda Radner

That is truly what life is all about. Sometimes it's better not to know where it will lead you next.

Cold

It's finally chilled down in Pittsburgh. While there is still no snow, 11 degrees definitely makes you bundle up and get inside as soon as possible. Well, except for me. I love this weather; I know it's not the greatest when you're waiting for a bus for 20 minutes, but brisk air is so invigorating, and it also makes you appreciate the warmth of comfy sweaters, soft blankets, and hot stew.

I've forgotten how much fun cooking can be. Last semester I didn't take the time to do much cooking outside of simple pasta or quick stir fries, but I'm branching out this semester. This might also have to do with the fact that I got two great new cookbooks for Christmas: The Complete Vegetarian, and a book of Indian cooking. There are some great recipes in them, and I'm dying to try many of them. I recently made a Lentil Soup that was divine (lentils are the best, incidentally). It's super easy and requires few ingredients, and yet still is so tasty and filling.

Lentil Soup

1/2 cup lentils
2 1/2 cups water
1 medium carrot, chopped
2 green onions with green tops, chopped
1/2 cup chopped, tightly packed, washed fresh spinach
1 medium unpeeled red or white potato, cut into 1-inch cubes (about 1 1/2 cups)
1 medium tomato, chopped
1 small celery stalk, finely sliced
1/2 medium green bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1/2 cup fresh cilantro
2 large cloves garlic, chopped
1 teaspoon olive oil
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon salt

Bring lentils and water to a boil in a medium-sized pot. Reduce the heat to simmer. Cover and cook for 30 minutes. Meanwhile prepare the vegetables

Add the vegetables, garlic, and oil. Cover and continue simmering the soup for 20 minutes. Add the cumin and salt and cook for a few more minutes, or until the vegetables are tender. Serve.


The great thing about this recipe is that it's pretty forgiving. You don't have to add all the vegetables if you don't have them, and it will still be good, and you can add different spices if you wish for a different flavor. It's also really healthy, high in protein (go lentils!) and low in fat. In future experiments, I might add different vegetables, and change the spices, but it's pretty darn good on it's own, and is hearty enough to satisfy you without anything else (though fresh bread goes really well with it too).

First Pictures

These are some of the best of the first pictures I took with my new baby. (^_^) They're of my dog and the backyard, mostly, though I did take sample shots to practice using the features I'm unfamiliar with, like Color Accenting and Color Swapping (which is so much fun). The top one was taken with the wind blowing. They are all far clearer than most taken with my other camera. It's a welcome change. (Click on the picture to blow it up to full size).

Camera

I just bought a new camera! Well, I got it for Christmas.... kinda. I had been gently informing my parents for about a year now that my current camera, a Nikon Coolpix 5600, was completely inadequate for anyone who actually wants decent photographs. This year they decided to buy me one (how nice of them!), but didn't know what to get, and figured I knew what I wanted enough that they probably couldn't pick it out without consulting me first. So after Christmas I began to look for cameras, and found this one, with some help (-_^):

Canon PowerShot Pro Series S5 IS 8.0MP Digital Camera with 12x Optical Image Stabilized Zoom

It is, in a nutshell, amazing. It's about a half-step down from a full-blown digital SLR, and thus much more powerful than a regular point-and-shoot. 12x zoom, image stabilization, dozens of scene settings, the option for manual calibration as well, and lots of other great things about it I'm sure I'm forgetting. It's several orders of magnitude better than my old Coolpix, and probably one of the best cameras on the market for its class. The only real drawback is that it is quite large (about 15 oz) and bulky, so it will be more difficult to take places easily. I waffled on my decision a lot because of this, and almost bought the Canon SX100, a similar camera, cheaper and a bit weaker in features, though about twice as light and more streamlined. However, many of the reviews I read said that it had a long flash recovery time, and that is probably the feature I despise the most about my current camera. It also doesn't have a viewfinder, and while I use it seldom, not having the option was somewhat disconcerting. So bye-bye the SX100 went, and all the arguments I had in favor of the S5 got that much stronger. I think I'll be really glad I got it. I guess I'll just have to get used to lugging around a big camera, and deal with the extra weight while backpacking (a valid concern, but it's not like a backpack that often anyway).

When I receive it, I'll probably post some pictures from it. (^_^)

Happy Christmas!

Yes, I say it the British way. Deal with it! Hope your's is a good one! And, in good Christmas tradition, I almost fainted at Midnight Mass... again. Yay me. Darn those heavy choir robes!

This year's Christmas tree.

Look at my little reindeer-wannabe!

Long Awaited Updates

As I'm sure you've been waiting with breath that is bated.... It's been a while since I've posted, but that's to be expected at the end of the semester I suppose.

At least I finished my classes. It ended up being the most difficult end to the semester I think I've ever had. All of my classes had significant portions of the final grade due in the last few weeks. Combine that with RA-ing, RA interviews with next year, CoSO applications that still needed to be finalized, Soundbytes rehearsals and performances, and a few more things I've blocked out, and you get a crazed, sleepless few weeks. However, it's over now, and I guess I did the best I could under the circumstances, but of course I wish I'd done better.

A few pretty cool products came out of the classes I took this semester though. I learned all about how technological change affects economic growth (began to understand national growth models, why Asian countries are doing so well, etc.); designed two websites (pretty awful, but still cool for a newbie); delved into the complex system that is US regulation; made contributions to a class project in philosophy that finished with a website cataloging our efforts to map the philosophical arguments made by Hobbes, Hume, Kant, and others, as well as a book that will be soon published with very limited distribution (and details about the project itself will potentially be published in a high profile philosophical journal); and last but not least, worked on a semester-long project attempting to solve a current policy issue that culminated in a presentation to high-level civil servants in the Department of Homeland Security and the Department of Health and Human Services, among others (that same project might also be presented to FEMA in January). Not bad for a 21-year-old college student, I'd say. ^_^

Soundbytes' annual Winter Concert also went incredibly well. Each year it has been growing. All the a cappella groups on campus are invited to perform, and last year Soundbytes had hosted it in UC Connan to a packed crowd; people were literally sitting on floor and out the door. This year was The Originals turn to host it, and as the concert neared, it became apparent that Connan just wasn't going to be large enough to hold the number of people we were expecting to attend. Incredibly, we were able to get McConomy at the last minute! While certainly not filled to capacity (as it holds 500), it was definitely over half full by the end of the night, with people milling in and out during the 2-hour concert. When Soundbytes went on, there was a cheer from the crowd like we'd never heard from a CMU crowd before. They LOVED us, and the energy was great, better than anything we've had yet. I got extremely positive comments from a lot of people I knew after the concert, about how much they liked our set, how tight we sounded, how great we looked, and how we not only sang well, but performed too and were fun to watch! It was one of the best CMU concerts we've ever had, I think, and it's about time we moved a cappella to McConomy! Next semester we're looking to have a huge a cappella event, inviting a bunch of groups we've connected with from in and out of state to come and perform. It's been the product of years of discussion and plotting, and I think we have a good chance of it finally happening this Spring. So watch out for that!

I'm really looking forward to a month of chill time at home. I haven't been back for more than a few short weekends since last winter break, and I've really missed it. I'm going to spend most of it with my family (and in the house I expect), but I'm going to Wisconsin for a long weekend in January which I'm very much looking forward to. Another state off my list to visit! However, I can't believe when I get back that I'll be a second-semester senior! It hasn't actually penetrated yet that I am done with my major, and will never take another class in SDS again. All but one of my classes is at the graduate level next semester (one philosophy class to finish my second major), and in about 5 months time I'll be walking to get my degree in my cap and gown. While I'll still be coming back next year for my master's, nothing will be the same.

I won't even be living in the same environment next year either, which is another major switch. I found out today, after several rounds of interviews, that I am being offered an RA position in West Wing/Resnik (exact house to be determined). I wanted to return next year as an RA, knowing that I'll only be here for a semester as I'm going abroad in the spring, so in order to ensure that I got the best chance for placement, I interviewed for a variety of housing types. I was asked back for three interviews, which I think is rather a lot (people love me, I know), and ended up having a stellar interview with the Housefellow for West Wing/Resnik. It'll be a major change though, as I haven't lived on campus for three years, and even New House was farther off campus than West Wing. I've loved living in Oakland, and not having an apartment will be a significant adjustment. Luckily, it's only for a few months, and I think it will be for the best, since I can leave a lot of my apartment stuff at home. It would be a pain to store it in boxes here, or to take it back in December. And I'll also have a single, though I'd be sharing the suite with four other girls.... I'm just so glad I don't have to think about housing next year, either finding it or paying for it, which would be an incredible hassle.

All in all, I guess it was a pretty productive semester. Now I get to relax for a while, be with family, eat too much, get fat, catch up on sleep, and try to find an internship for this summer....

Fun in Florida

Over Thanksgiving, my family went to Florida, primarily because my cousin was getting married on that Saturday. We decided to just spend the entire holiday there, and it ended up being really fun, and changing my opinion about traveling during Thanksgiving, which I had previously been against.

Thanksgiving night we saw the Blue Man Group; my dad had gotten tickets in the middle of the second row. It was awesome! However, I really thought the band behind the three blue men was better than them overall. My mom got pulled on stage and they used her in one of their performances. It was great.

The weather was amazing , about 85 and sunny the whole time, so we spent almost every day in the pool. Friday night was my cousin's rehearsal dinner, at this great Italian restaurant. It was also open bar, so everyone drank a lot. Actually, that was the story of the weekend: there was so much food, and so much free alcohol. I've never had so much to drink in a five-day period before. But I didn't overindulge, that would have been extremely awkward in front of my parents and family.

Saturday was the wedding, held in an outdoor garden similar to what Phipps would be outside. It was only fifteen minutes long though, which seemed kind of a waste, seeing at it took so long to get ready. We waited for the wedding for longer than it actually was. My cousin is visibly happy though, and her husband is really great.

The hotel we stayed at was directly on the beach, and it was the weirdest experience to lie on the beach in the middle of November. I'm not complaining though. I also made a friend that weekend; my cousin Noah is three, and fell in love with the red satin dress I wore to the wedding, and followed my around after and the next day. He liked to try to "drain" me in the pool (that was how he pronounced "drown").

Happy Thanksgiving

The ultimate day of thanks. I figured, in the spirit of the holiday, I would write a long-needed Thankful Thursday, albeit a day late (a girl is busy, doncha know?). There are several things I've been meaning to post about, like the Soundbytes Boston trip (which was spectacular) but I have been so swamped recently that blogging took a back burner. That story will just have to wait until a later date.

- my family. I seem to put this down every time I do a Thankful Thursday, but I never cease to be thankful for them. They're always there for me and I never see enough of them. My brother in particular is the best, and I'm forever trying to be a better sister to him.
- having meaning in my life. I'm glad I have a lot going on in my life that I love to do, and that I do well.
- Soundbytes. They're all like family, and I don't know what I'm going to do when I graduate and leave them all...
- muffins. ^_^
- being able to touch people's lives. It is my continual goal to not only add meaning to my own life, but to help others add meaning to theirs as well. It's such a fulfilling experience, and getting to know many other people and help them when they need it, to recognize people's difference and revel in their uniqueness, is a constant joy.
- great friends. They're there for me, and I love them all.
- having people in my life who care about me. This could be covered with friends and family, but it needed a separate bullet because I am so thankful for this aspect of them in particular. For a long time I felt like I didn't have many people in my life who cared about me, that I wasn't really needed or wanted in people's lives, and that made me feel like my life was meaningless. I know now that I needn't have worried, because there are many people that care about me a great deal, and I feel so loved. And now I know the secret: if you love people, and they will love you back. You can never expect people to love you if you aren't returning it.

I know, mushy mushy. But isn't that what Thanksgiving is about, giving back and being thankful for everything you have in your life? Well, I am.

THANK YOU. I hope you had a wonderful, food-filled and joyous Thanksgiving.

I live a teenage boy's fantasy

Well, sometimes, maybe. I suppose I do for one reason only: I see many naked women on a regular basis.

Before you get all shocked and surprised, read on, it's not really that unusual. I have recently, as in the last few months or so, really gotten into swimming as a medium of exercise. I really enjoy it; it's low impact, works my whole body, helps me increase my lung capacity, and is also pretty relaxing as far as work outs go. Because of this, I spend far more time at the gym than I used to, and by extension, the locker room. Initially, I was surprised to find so many women both shower and just walk around naked. It's something I'd never experienced in my small-town childhood and adolescence. I felt uncomfortable, and averted my gaze whenever possible because I felt strange seeing so many naked women "put it all out there".

However, I've gotten used to it, and have actually begun to respect women for being confident enough about their bodies to walk around a semi-public place without clothes on. Not that I didn't before, but I realize now that it is not something as shocking as I had thought. We shouldn't be so concerned to show a little skin, and feel or be made uncomfortable by nudity. It's only natural. Being "exposed" to female nudity through something other than a porn film or health class also gives women a healthier perspective on appearance. Most women don't have perfect bodies, and few will ever be able to attain the form they desire, but women are still beautiful anyway. That's what I've come to understand anyway. After years of an unhealthy self-image and an unrealistically high standard of beauty, I'm finally starting to accept and appreciate the way I look for what it is, and I like it.

The only caveat to this openness in the locker room is when you come across someone you actually know bearing it all. That has happened to me several times, and it has been rather uncomfortable each time. No matter what, sometimes you just don't want to see a professor, or a university staff member you've worked with, naked....

I can't sleep

From frustration, mostly. This week has been really stressful, primarily because of group project work that sucks my soul. However, right now I'm bothered by something else, and that's the more pressing reason behind my insomnia.

I'm getting frustrated and disillusioned by Soundbytes. My membership in this a cappella group for the last three years has probably been more life-shaping than anything else in my college life. I've dedicated myself to it more than almost anyone, and I've been musical director for over two years. There have been ups and downs throughout my tenure, miscommunication and tensions between myself and the group that haven't been altogether pleasant, but I feel like I'm hitting a roadblock sooner than I have before, and I'm worried that I won't be able to overcome it.

It's always been a mostly thankless job. Everything I do, and therefore every mistake I make, is visible to the whole group, and I'm held accountable. I always have to be on my A-game, and when I slip, I'm criticized, verbally or otherwise. I knew this going in, to an extent, and while I've always wanted more recognition for the things I do and the dedication I've had to the group for so long, I've accepted that I usually won't get it. Who will say, "Lauren, thanks for running rehearsals and constantly trying to improving our sound", or who will recognize and acknowledge that the only rehearsal I have ever missed was to break up with my boyfriend of over two years? I've scheduled my life around Soundbytes, ensure that every meeting I have is rescheduled around it if necessary, leave other meetings that are still going on to be at rehearsal on time, and never schedule any personal trip or event on the weekend that would make me miss it.

I've always thought that this kind of dedication should be shown by the director, and that it was necessary and "part of the job". I still think it is. But I'm getting really tired of the near constant feelings of disrespect I get when I come to rehearsal twice a week. Currently, these feelings are heightened by the fact that I every arrangement I have ever done has been criticized and ridiculed by at least one member of the group. I think this is completely unacceptable, and incredibly demoralizing and hurtful, because I spend a lot of time putting those arrangements together for the group, just as any other arranger, and I'd hope that my efforts would at least be appreciated, and most certainly not dismissed like they have been. But this is more of a personal issue than a director one. I know that sometimes I am late more than I'd like, and that's probably something that undermines my authority. But I don't think that's the main cause of it. Regardless of if I'm 15 minutes early or 2 minutes late, if I bring food and an upbeat attitude or if I'm stressed, I feel like I hit a brick wall. All of the things I do right in rehearsal and out of rehearsal for Soundbytes are negated by one misstep, one mistake, one minute of lateness.

Sometimes I wish I could have everyone run rehearsal at least once, to see what it's like to be me, to see how different you must become to be director. It often feels like I'm fighting an uphill battle to get people to concentrate, learn their music, and improve. And I've done it for two years. I often fail at it, and every so often the group talks about strategies to get us to focus better, or be more productive, and they resolve to be more personally accountable for their actions. So far, that hasn't really happened. And every rehearsal I have to balance my participation in rehearsal from being the enforcer and the "teacher", keeping people focused and in line, and enjoying myself as well. More and more I'm feeling that I have to be the enforcer completely, and that I'm not supposed to relax and enjoy rehearsal occasionally as well. I feel like I have to be the perfect version of myself for the group, which is something I haven't even mastered in the other aspects of my life. I can't do it, and I don't think I should be required to.

Yes, I make mistakes. I'm human. I'm late sometimes, I'm forgetful, I have a temper and can lose my cool when stressed, and I get sidetracked occasionally. While I'm working on improving myself, it's not going to happen overnight. I should still be able to dictate the ideal behavior of the group without necessarily having to live it myself. No one else does. I should be able to critique and "lay down the law" and falter sometimes without feeling like the worst hypocrite. It's what I feel like now, and I'm frustrated with it. I have sacrificed so much already, missed opportunities in other aspects of my life to be at rehearsal, to devote myself to a group whose members, for the most part, don't recognize it.

I'm not saying that because of this I'm the "best Soundbyte", or that no one else spends as much time working for the group than I do, because that's not the case at all. I love this group, and the members in it. I wouldn't trade them for anyone, and most of the time I wouldn't want to trade my directorship for anything else. But I do feel like my feelings are the least noticed when criticism needs to be meted out, and generally discounted because of my role as director. When faulted for the bad, I'm not thanked or respected for the good. And that's the most demoralizing thing of all.

One of the Shouts

As you might have noticed, I changed the title of this blog. I've been thinking about doing so for a while now, but hadn't been able to think of anything good enough to replace what I currently had. The old title came from one of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems:

I SING to use the waiting,
My bonnet but to tie,
And shut the door unto my house;
No more to do have I,

Till, his best step approaching,
We journey to the day,
And tell each other how we sang
To keep the dark away.

However, in looking at it again, I realized that it no longer reflected what I feel or think (most of the time) and that I really needed to find a new title.

I've changed it to One of the Shouts for a reason. It comes from the short story "G.B.S. - Mark V" by Ray Bradbury, one of my favorite writers. The surrounding paragraph is thus:

"What are we?" he asked. "Why, we are the miracle of force and matter making itself over into imagination and will. Incredible. The Life Force experimenting with forms. You for one. Me for another. The Universe has shouted itself alive. We are one of the shouts. Creation turns in its abyss. We have bothered it, dreaming ourselves into shapes. The void is filled with slumbers; ten billion on a billion bombardments of light and material that know not themselves, that sleep moving and move but finally to make an eye and waken on themselves. Among so much that is flight and ignorance, we are the blind force that gropes like Lazarus from a billion-light-year tomb. We summon ourselves. We say, O Lazarus Life Force, come ye forth. So the Universe, a motion of deaths, fumbles to reach across Time to feel its own flesh and know it to be ours. We touch both ways and find each other miraculous because we are One."

I will let it just speak for itself, and maybe the passage will speak to you in the way it spoke to me. It may be a tad esoteric ^_^, and I'm not sure I'll keep it (I'm notoriously indecisive), but for the moment it does a good job in reflecting my current mantra in just a few words and also in explaining the purpose and goal of this blog in general.

To the Fullest

My grandfather passed away this Friday. My dad called me while I was at dinner to tell me the news, and the people I was with were somewhat shocked when I told them. I felt bad because I didn't want to make them uncomfortable, as the news of a death in the family is sometimes hard for people to respond to.

The emotions surrounding a death are often complex, and this is no exception. With my uncle's death last year, it was a whole lot simpler because it was so sad and fast (he was 60 and died of pancreatic cancer). My grandfather was 88, and had developed dementia in the last few years of his life, so caring for him was becoming more difficult and he hadn't really been himself, so his death is bittersweet. He lived a very full life:

He was born in 1919 in Youngwood, PA and lived his whole life in that town. He grew up very poor; one of the most memorable pictures of his childhood was of him and his siblings standing in their mud-filled yard, with two of them sitting on a horse. I've always loved that picture, it evokes so much emotion.

During the Great Depression he worked for the CCC, planting trees in eastern Pennsylvania and sending the money back home. When World War II broke out, he joined the army and was stationed in India as a mechanic. I honestly don't remember when he married my grandmother, I think it might have been right after the war ended, but they had their first child in 1946 (my Uncle Michael, the one who passed away last September). He was the first of eight. In order to make ends meet, my grandfather worked three jobs at one point.

He was very Italian; he loved to work in his garden, and every summer had a small field planted with corn and another field planted with a variety of vegetables. He loved onion sandwiches. He was also very reserved, and talked but rarely.

I wish I had learned more about his life, because there was so much he experienced. I love that I came from someone who worked so hard throughout his life, and cared so much for his family. I really value all that he did for my mom and her brothers and sisters, and thereby for me.

After I heard the news, my friends and I finished dinner and left to attend opening night for the Pittsburgh Symphony. They played Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 and Berlioz's Symphonie Fantastique. It was spectacular, and during that time I had a lot of time to think. My life is so rich, filled with great friends and so much opportunity, and I am so lucky to be alive and have all the things I do. My grandfather's death made me realize that I'm already a quarter of the way through it, God-willing. There's so much I want to do, and so little time to waste. I don't intend to watch the years pass without spending every day doing something I love, and maximizing on the opportunities that surround me.

With that in mind, here's a list of things I want to accomplish before I'm 25. I'd composed it a few months ago, and it's still being added to, but I wanted to put it down here to remind myself about everything I have left to do. I've already begun on the list and have done some of the things on it, but I'll leave it up to you to figure out what those are. ^_^

THINGS BEFORE 25

- graduate college
- be financially independent
- find a job I love
- go sky-diving
- learn to love my body
- fall in love again
- travel all 50 states (only 20 left!)
- live in another country
- travel to a new continent
- move to an unfamiliar place
- read a biography of every US president
- give up something I love (probably because it's bad for me)
- volunteer for a cause I truly believe in
- learn to live without regrets
- realize my own self-worth
- dye my hair an unnatural color
- paint another oil painting
- learn to drive standard
- become somewhat proficient in another language
- share a favorite pastime with a friend (i.e. make the friend fall in love with it)
- send inspiring thoughts to a random address via postcard
- travel to see a favorite musical group in concert
- learn to be on time
- try marijuana while I can still get away with it
- try a food I would never normally eat (something outrageously exotic)
- backpack through Europe
- get up obscenely early on a weekend to explore the city I’m in
- start a tradition with friends and stick to it
- learn to forgive
- live with as little hypocrisy in my life as possible
- get a pet
- do something completely spontaneous that ends up being one of the best events in my life
- visit a friend who lives far away
- work on a political campaign
- stop procrastinating
- go on an extended backpacking trip with a friend
- run in a marathon
- audition for American Idol
- accept and revel in the unknown

If you have any suggestions of things to add, let me know. Some of the goals are really ambitious, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to finish them in four years, but where's the fun in making something easy?

This whole experience has made me really value life even more than I already did, because of the acute understanding of one's own mortality that a death brings . There's no use in fearing death, which is something that I'm still coming to grips with, because it's an end everyone comes to. The only true power we have to overcome it is to live life to the fullest and value each day we have. I intend to do so.