I Think I'm in Love

With Korean soap opera!!! Every time I say that people groan and smile, but so what? It's amazing on its own, although it's better if you have a real live Korean translating for you because the subtitles are completely inadequate. The actors are adorable and hot, the plots are hilarious, and above all, it's just addicting.

I've started watching Goong, translated as Princess Hours, but literally Palace, it's a story about a girl who marries into the crown prince of Korea while still in high school (assuming a lot, since there is no longer a monarchy in Korea). I think it's based on a comic book by the same name, and apparently follows it pretty well. There are a few pretty famous Korean actors and singers in the show, but I'm not knowledgeable about that at all. It's really fun, and I highly recommend it.

In total, I think the show has 24 episodes (each an hour long). We've finished 4. I can't wait to watch more!!

On the Nature and Importance of Relationships

I've been thinking hard recently on the nature of romantic relationships and how important they are in one's life. At this stage in life people are just getting into serious relationships, and for many they are still not on the radar. The, shall we say, unlucky few who must transition from their first serious relationship into singledom again come across two factions: the people who say, in response to your plight, that they're so glad they aren't interested in a serious relationship, or the people who pity you without really being fully aware of the emotional roller-coaster you're on. Perhaps I'm generalizing and glossing over the few who can commiserate with you, and maybe I'm being to hard on the people that just don't know what you're going through, but you just don't know how inadequate that kind of pity, no matter how good-natured, is until you're in the situation yourself. Even then, it might not even be possible to fully understand what the person is going through.

However, this is not meant to be a bash-fest on people who try to help (because they really are great) but a caution to the others, the people who don't recognize the greatness of a committed relationship. I recently had a conversation with some people about this, and they both agreed that they were glad not to be in a relationship because of the potential heartache involved. It was an "I'm so glad I missed that accident" tone. Were they right in thinking that? I thought. Is this type of relationship something to be avoided? Well, clearly the ending of it is, because of the pain. But does the pain of a breakup negate all the good stuff about the relationship preceding it?

Most people would immediately say no, even people who aren't ready to be in a serious relationship now. Everyone has at least some kind of misty-eyed vision of a future love, a committed, happy relationship with the person who "completes you". But do people really think about what it means if that idyllic relationship ends? It hurts, it's a blow to the self-esteem, and it almost never ends how you thought it would. However, people who might want to avoid relationships for fear of the pain of a breakup miss out on so much more. A relationship gives you a chance to grow, emotionally and otherwise. No matter how long or how short, how bad or how good, there is always something to be learned from a relationship, about yourself, about your interests, desires, goals, needs or about how you can better interact with another. Giving up that chance to learn about yourself for fear of being hurt is almost like giving up going to college for fear of being far from home.

A relationship is also more than that. It gives you a feeling of utter elation that can be felt in no other way. It is being almost drunk with love and happiness and doing silly things because of it. It really is one of the best feelings in the world to think the world of someone, and it is something far greater to know that they feel the same way for you.

Relationships end, not always happily, and the longer they lasted the harder it is to overcome the emotion you had and the pain you feel from losing the person that was once so special to you. But the net worth of a relationship is so definitively positive that avoiding it prevents you from experiencing one of the greatest gifts of life.

Don't waste it.

Acceptance :D

Although I found this out on Wednesday, I didn't have time to post. I'd been waiting for an email from the Heinz School notifying me if I got accepted into the Accelerated Master's Program, and I DID! I was getting worried because people had already gotten their letters. Personally, I think it's quite unprofessional to send out the letters over the period of a month or more, leaving people anxious and frustrated when they have sit and hear the good news of other people, feeling their chances sink (in their minds). I was worried that I'd be rejected, and I realized during that time that I had, albeit unconsciously, set myself up to assume I'd be getting the good letter. I hadn't really planned for any alternatives, which I realize now was not the best idea. But it's moot, because I did get in, and am 99.9% sure I'm going. Which means.... that I'll be in Pittsburgh another year. Regardless of people giving their condolences (which I find annoying) I like Pittsburgh and am happy to spend another year living here. I've always had roots here, and I feel like I've grown even more over the past three years. I'm proud to be a resident of this city, and it will be a sad day when I move from it.

My fate being thus determined (at least for the next two years), I felt a surge of relief. On that score anyway. This week was torture, though nearly not as bad as last semester. I had three exams, two over two hours long, and a set of papers due for my philosophy class on Nietzsche and Kierkegaard. It's such a rush when everything is finally done, and you can finally relax.

And by relax, I mean at the BEACH! On Saturday my friends and I are taking a road trip to South Carolina to spend the week bumming around enjoying each other's company. This will be the first Spring Break I've spent with girls. :) Kinda crazy, yeah? It will be a marked change from the last two years, and I think I'm going to enjoy myself immensely (not that I didn't in previous years).

Anxious

Today is the 1st of March, which wouldn't be an eventful day in any other year but this year has given me jitters. It marks the beginning of the end of the interim time between applying to the Heinz School and hearing back from them. In January I applied for the accelerated master's program in public policy, and I knew that I wouldn't hear back before March 1st. However, because it is the 1st, all the anxiety that I had been stoically ignoring in February can no longer be suppressed. It will be such a great opportunity if I am accepted, and I should be hearing back in a week or so! Hence the nervousness. Wish me luck!

Soundbytes L<3VE

Last Saturday night Soundbytes put on a last-minute show with the University of Michigan group Amazin' Blue. They are spectacular, and we had a great time performing with them (at at the afterparty later). Erica, from Counterpoint, was at the concert and was kind enough to video some of the songs we performed. It's not the highest quality, but it's still really cool to see!!!

Drops of Jupiter
- arranged by Melissa, performed by Ashleigh

Short Skirt, Long Jacket/BustAMove
- arranged by Ryan (M.), performed by Matt

Crazy
- arranged by Ryan (M.), performed by Alex

Enjoy!!

Good News/Bad News

Already this week is one big whirlwind. Good and bad things happened today, and I thought you'd like to know:

Bad News:

Ryan just left to go back to California (sad!) very early this morning, and I probably won't see him for two months. There's a larger story to the weekend, but I won't delve into that. However, I did have a lot of fun, and fell in love with salsa dancing and Rolli's grape leaves.

Good News:

For the past week I was getting worried/angry about a homework assignment due for my Monday class because I wasn't sure what it was on without any response back. But today I went to her office hours and found out it's not due until next week. Okay, so it's not a great story, but it's the little joys in life that make it fun. :)

The bigger news is that I got an accepted to be an RA for next year. The process was really long, and the positions are highly sought-after since your housing is essentially paid for. I thought about applying last year, but for several reasons missed the deadline. I'm really glad that I did this year though, because it means that my parents don't have to pay as much in tuition next year, and if I get accepted into the Heinz master's program, I could potentially have my housing paid for in my fifth year if I decide to continue being an RA (which I definitely would).

One other nice thing that I've been anticipating: my brother is coming to stay with me for a few days! He gets the week off (because my high school is weird) and my parents and he will be coming down to spend time with family/me. I've always wanted him to visit, and now he finally is.

Valentine's Day

Most people, and I include myself in this group, think Valentine's Day is a trumped-up Hallmark holiday meant to increase retail sales during an otherwise very dry shopping season. It makes people sad and lonely if they're not with someone and it makes people titchy when they are. A lot of unneeded stress, I say; you have to build romance into the day through gift-giving and money-spending, or you'll have to bear your significant other's irrational wrath because you didn't do so. There is no other significance to V-Day than an excuse to spend more time (and mostly money) on a loved one, and if you really need a day to be more aware of the person you're with, your relationship probably has a problem.

However, recent events and epiphanies have led me to reevaluate this perception of V-Day and give it a bit of a break. Sure its premise is superficial, and a lot of people make fun of it as the "Obligation/Loneliness Awareness Day" because in a sense it has been made into that, but truthfully, we should be able to look past all the hype and at least be glad of the fact that we get a built-in day to remind you to cherish your loved one when perhaps you had forgotten, or are too busy to remember.

In all my experience, the people who gripe about the day the most still, in the end, buy a flower, or a card, or dinner, or even just give a kiss or a loving sentiment for their loved one. The day really isn't so bad or garish after all because you're spending it with a special person. So what if it's there for all the wrong reasons? That's no excuse not to celebrate it for the right ones.

My First Scarf

I've finished my first hand-knitted scarf!!! I'm so proud of myself. Diana taught me when I visited her in New York during winter break, and this is the product of my labor. It's very long, but used less than one skein. Still, I don't have enough yarn left over to make another one, so I guess I'll just have to go buy more! :)

Stories from California

After my lovely New York excursion (see below for details) I flew to California to visit Ryan. Right away I had a bit of an adventure. My layover was in Pittsburgh (oh the irony) and as I got settled into my seat for the flight I heard this man's voice behind me, terse and pretentious, snapping at the flight attendant for "shoving" his 600 dollar (extremely ugly) plaid sports jacket in the overhead bin. It was a full flight, so space was scarce. "You don't shove a 600 dollar sports coat in there, you place it in" he yelled peevishly. And after it was disposed of in the right way, he proceeded to look to his neighbors for sympathy, complaining about the flight attendant. I rolled my eyes at his shallowness and continued to wait for our departure, which was looking like it was going to be late as it was.

Before we left, a flight attendant walked down the aisle to make sure everything was secure, and noticed that the snobby man behind me was still on his laptop, even though they had made the announcement to turn off all electronic items. She asked him to turn it off and put it away, and he made some bland reply. This flight attendant, however, was not going to be talked down to. She became shorter and shorter, asking him if he was going to be a problem on the flight, telling him that she saw how he treated the other flight attendant about the jacket, snapping that he had better listen. When he gave some rude replies, she said "that was it, you're being taken off this flight" and walked away. Then he got a bit scared, and began complaining to his neighbors about his treatment.

The plane sat there for a few more minutes until we felt that we were pulling forward to the gate, not backward. The Captain announced that we had to return to the gate "to deal with some passenger issues". This got the man a bit angry. The flight attendant returned with a male attendant and a slip of paper, saying that it detailed why he was being taken off, that he "violated FAA regulations". He asked for her name, and she kept declining, and the male flight attendant kept saying "you have to leave now". He walked off in a huff, blustering that this was "outrageous, it's never happened to me before, completely outrageous", and a few people clapped. While this might have been a bit over-the-top, to take the man off for something rather small, the woman in front of me said that he had been making trouble before we boarded and that they had probably anticipated problems with him then. Still, a first for me, and kind of exciting.
_________________________________________________________________________

My next story has to do with my trip into San Francisco with Ryan. We decided that rather than driving his car and having to find parking, we'd buy day passes for the CalTrain (similar to the NJ Transit with New York) and take that in.



We spent the day walking around the downtown area and had dinner at a restaurant on Fisherman's Wharf, and I got to see the sea lions on Pier 39.



After dinner we began our way back to the CalTrain station, taking a trolley part of the way. It was a Sunday, so the train left every hour until midnight except 11:00. It was nearing 9:00 and we still had many blocks to walk, but we thought we might make it in time. As we neared, we realized that we'd probably would miss it by 5 minutes, so rather than running there to try to catch the 9:00 and wear ourselves out, we'd take a leisurely walk back and shop at the grocery store before the next train left.

We got to the station at 9:05 as predicted, and went to check just to make sure the train had left. Ryan tried to open the door only to find it locked, which was strange. A janitor working there told us that the station was closed and we had just missed the last train!! Ryan immediately took out his copy of the schedule, and sure enough, the times he had thought were for the weekend were only for Saturday night! I had to laugh, but he was really worried. We were stuck in downtown San Francisco at 9 o'clock at night, in a not-so-nice part of town, with no way to get home. We had to think of alternatives. We could either find a hotel to stay the night in or take a cab back to Mountain View. We asked a cab driver how much it would cost to drive to Mountain View, but he quoted too much. We stood there looking foolish for a bit, and I reasoned that it would probably cost the same to take a cab back as to rent a room and buy two more tickets for the next day's CalTrain in the morning, and more inconvenient.

Just then, a man walked up to us. "I heard that you missed the train and wanted to get back to Mountain View right? And that cab driver quoted you such and such a cost. Well, I can take you there for less." A bit shady, right? Well, we negotiated a price, and he accepted it and took us to his car. He was a legitimate cab driver, incidentally, and we got back to Mountain View. A bit embarrassing, but we got home regardless, and that's all that matters.

However, the story isn't complete. The next day Ryan biked into work so I could take his car in for lunch and meet him there. I'm ready to go and walk down to his parking spot, only to find his car missing. I walk around the complex, just to see that it wasn't in another spot, and call him to tell him about it. He immediately starts home, telling his boss about the problem, and I have to go tell his manager about it. I call the police and give them the information, and they tell me that they're sending an officer over. I sit tight to wait, so worried, and thinking that I must be back luck for this many bad things to happen to Ryan.

Then Ryan calls me. "I know where the car is," he says. It was parked in the CalTrain parking lot, where we'd left it the day before. In our stupidity, we forgot that in taking a taxi back to his apartment that we'd left his car parked to receive us when we got off the CalTrain we'd missed. So he went to get it, and I called the police back to tell them not to send the officer, and told the apartment manager about it. The worst part was that Ryan had to tell his boss about the whole affair.

New Yawk

Although it's been several days since I left, New York is still on my mind. I had a spectacular time with my lovely Diana, and will be going back there as soon as I am able, or as soon as she'll let me. :)

We spent at least half of every day in Manhattan (she lives in Brooklyn), going to the Met, meeting friends for lunch, spending time drooling over jewelry at Tiffany's or clothing and bags at Macy's. We spent a morning in Soho shopping (my new favorite place). If I ever live in New York that's where it'll be. Her mom is a great cook, so we ate dinner at her place several nights, and the last morning I was there Diana took me to a traditional Chinese brunch place where I was the only person who didn't speak Chinese. It was excellent and very fun. I also learned how to knit, and set a goal to knit a sweater by next Christmas. Let's see how I do!

I always thought that people who thought New York was the only place to live were full of themselves, but last week I understood, at least in part, why that's so.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Yay for the first blog post of the new year! I hope this coming year will be as good (hopefully better) than the last, but I think I'm starting it off right. :) Maybe when I'm more awake I'll post more, and maybe my new year's resolutions, but for now....

I hope everyone had a great new year's!

The Transcontinental Traveller

So, it's official, I bought my tickets and everything! This will be the shortest I'll have been home for Christmas break EVER! I'm going to go visit my lovely New York friends right after New Year's, and then it's out to San Francisco for pretty much the rest of break. The downside is that I'll be back in Pittsburgh pretty early, but that just means that I'll have plenty of time to go grocery shopping and book buying before school starts. :)

This break is suddenly turning out better than I thought. :)

The Pinup and other quizzes

You are Betty Grable

The ulitmate girl next door You're the perfect girl for most guys Pretty yet approachable. Beautiful yet real.

What Famous Pinup Are You?

oh yeah... :)

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern. A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock. A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything. No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

I always knew it!

Home again

It's interesting, even though my life has been super busy lately, I haven't felt like anything was worth writing about. It makes me wonder if what I'm doing is really all that important. The semester is over and I'm back home for a while; at least for the holidays. I really want to visit people in January, so hopefully I'll get the opportunity to do that.

Being home has become a bit interesting since my first year in college. I love spending time with my family, but now it's persistently strained. My parents and I are on different sides of the spectrum, and while they "accept" my choices, I'm almost certain that they don't approve of them. It's incredibly frustrating to hear them talk about politics, religion, or current events without inwardly seething because not only do I disagree with them, but if I am bold enough to venture a contrary opinion I'll start a fight and further strain the already tense situation. So I sit quiet and hope that the topic is dropped quickly. I hate doing that, but I hate arguing with them so much more. I know I'll never change their views, and they don't approve of mine, so it's just easier to keep quiet about it. They hate liberals, feminists, environmentalists, basically anyone with a world-view that is different from theirs, and sometimes I think they'd hate me by extension. That's probably a bit strong, but a lot of the time it's true, and although they'd like to think that they're open-minded, they still make me feel so uncomfortable when I'm home.

This is not to say that my parents are bad people; everyone who's met them knows how nice they can be. It's just when you disagree with them on any point that they feel strongly about that it becomes hard.

On another note, Christmas is coming but it doesn't feel like it at all. It's so warm that it looks like it's going to be a rainy, warm Christmas. Yuck, I say. Where'd all the snow go? It's very unseasonable and un-Christmas-cheery.

Let me be a lemming...

And join my friends in filling out a survey. I don't feel like doing work yet anyway.

Two Names You Go By:
1. Lauren
2. Laur (only by my dad though)

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. the claddagh ring that never leaves my hand
2. argyle socks

Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
1. respect
2. the butterfly happy feeling

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
1. singing
2. drinking tea and reading Pride and Prejudice for the millionth time

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. cuddles with boyfriend :)
2. groceries

Two pets you had/have:
1. Miann Jiuh
2. my toy polar bear (my parents didn't like animals for the longest time)

Two people who will fill this out:
1. umm, Maggie, because she loves surveys
2. Ryan, because I'll make him :P

Two things you did last night:
1. watched way too much Sex in the City
2. read about neurophilosophy

Two things you ate today:
1. yummy salad
2. pizza

Two people you Last Talked To:
1. Ryan
2. Steve

Two Things You're doing tomorrow:
1. last dance rehearsal of the semester
2. H&SS Senator meeting!!

Two longest car rides:
1. Pennsylvania to California (clearly not in one contiguous trip)
2. Pennsylvania to Florida

Two Favorite Holidays: I know it's completely unoriginal, but...
1. Thanksgiving
2. Christmas

Two favorite beverages:
1. raspberry iced tea
2. orange juice

The Last Week

It's here, the final week of classes. The semester went surprisingly fast, but nonetheless I am supremely happy to finish this set of classes. Not that I didn't like them, but 22 programming assignments will sicken even the most avid programmer. I have just a little bit of work to go, and I definitely don't want to do it. Usually the final class week is so incredibly piled with work and hectic because of it, but my week is going to be hectic because of meetings. I have a ton of stuff left to do before the week is out, and everything is culminating in the barrage of meetings and events that are scheduled for the next five days. My roommate and I thought of hanging a noose from our ceiling just at the idea of having so much going on, but I think using it will be a last resort. :)

The upside of all this is that my academic work is light for the week. A couple more programming assignments to finish, a presentation to create, and reading for a couple classes is about all I have to do. It's just hard to bring myself to do them when I'm so burnt out and stressing over the million other things I need to get accomplished outside of classwork. Some of it is fun, like shows. And now for the shameless plug:

- Dancer's Symposium is this Friday and Saturday at 8pm in Rangos
- Soundbytes will be caroling around campus for a bit on Tuesday afternoon (and probably during finals week as well)
- the H&SS senators in Student Senate are holding a meeting for their constituents this Wednesday at 6:30 in PH 125C. Come ask questions and see what we're up to. There will be food.
- Soundbytes Winter Concert is the Tuesday of Finals Week, starting at 9pm in UC Connan (I think). Counterpoint, Joyful Noise, and The Originals will also be performing. It'll be a blast, filled with awesome music and, of course, carols. :)

I'm going home!!!

I'm so excited. It's finally Thanksgiving Break!! I'm proud of myself that I managed to get all my work done and now have a bit of time to relax. Not that I'm not going to have work over break; if I don't do work then I'll be screwed for the upcoming week. But I'm really happy I get to go home and be with my family for a little while. And Ryan is coming too!!

In other news, this weekend started out to be the best weekend of the semester, and ended rather badly. Soundbytes had a Thanksgiving dinner that was spectacular. Everyone makes such good food now!! I can remember our first potlucks, when this wasn't the case. The next day I went to the football game (CMU's first playoff game in Gesling Stadium ever) and we won! It was really fun to be there and watch it. I then proceeded to spend the rest of the day relaxing, and arranged holiday music for hours. I was really happy that we had so much to sing for caroling.

And then rehearsal came.... It started out fine, but there are just some problems that had been unresolved and kept building. Long story short, things were said that were offensive and angry. I'm just sorry it had to happen right before we all left for a holiday vacation. I think we'll all be able to work it out, and I appreciate everyone's support more than they know.

Otherwise, I'm going to finish packing and wait for my ride, and enjoy the drive home!!

Have a wonderful, safe, food-filled Thanksgiving!!

Retreat

Today I woke up earlier than I have in months. 7am is earlier than a lot of college students wake up, I thought, but I was amazed at how many people were out an about. I was up to go to a 9 hour retreat for Student Senate, and just like last year, I had been expecting a very different turnout than there actually was. Last year I was the only member-at-large to go to retreat, and this year only 10 other people showed up. However, the select few were the dedicated, and it was much more fun than I had been expecting. Just goes to show never to judge before you try, because it may just surprise you.

We drove two hours to a ropes course and did team-building exercises, and in any other setting what happened would have been considered sexual harassment, given how physical we were with each other. :) However, I've always liked doing those kind of games (e.g. the spiderweb, the human knot, etc.) so I wasn't upset or uncomfortable at all. And it was really nice to get to know some other Senators better; it will make the meetings more fun and go a bit faster because I'm actually better friends with people in the group. And there are some really cool and interesting people in Senate, many with great ideas and ambition that is refreshing in what I feel is sometimes an increasingly jaded atmosphere.

The only downfall of the trip was that 2/3s of the group didn't come, for some reason or another (probably mostly because we had to get up so early), and it would have been beneficial for them to come, however much I prefer a smaller group. Many people in the organization could use some team-building exercises (if you have ever been to a meeting you understand what I'm talking about). People tend to think that their voice is the only important one and don't collaborate.

In other news, Soundbytes had a concert tonight that was really fun. Afterwards Counterpoint performed and then a really cool CMU student band. It was kind of a jazz rock thing that had a lot of potential, I thought, and although the acoustics in Kirr Commons is horrible they still managed to sound really good. And the Truman scholarship is due in about 5 days, which is crazy. I have so much work to do, but I think it's worth it. And soon enough it will be over and Thanksgiving will be here! I can't wait to go home.

A New Era

So, it looks as though both the House and Senate will have a Democratic majority, the first time in my memory. It's an exciting time (for liberals at least). However, I can't help but wonder if things will really change or get any better under the new regime. I feel like in many cases liberals have compromised their values in order to win back Congress and restore their power. But to what end? If we have Democrats who are anti-abortionists (like Bob Casey) or other representatives who are out of step with the majority of liberal thinkers on social, political, or economic issues, will we just have a Republican/conservative Congress in Democratic clothing?

Another problem I see probably just stems from my upbringing in a conservative-Republican household. I grew up believing that liberals were basically feckless, caring more for their media appearance than the interests of the American people. I guess time will tell if my dad was right, but to some extent, if it is true, will it be the product of having a more "moderate"/conservative democratic majority or just the intrinsic nature of Democrats?

Personally I don't like the two-party system that we have. It pigeon-holes people into one category or another, and if they belong to a minority party they are basically voiceless. (I'm not a fan of pigeon-holing in any way). How can complex people with complex and often opposing values be almost forced to support a party or a candidate that they don't believe in because he or she is the best option in comparison to the other?

One more bit about the election. I'm not sure how many people paid attention to the ballot initiatives that were voted on, since the Senate and House elections were so important, but in about seven states, give or take, amendments banning same-sex marriage were passed. Ironically, Arizona was the only state with a same-sex marriage ban on the ballot where it was defeated. In every other state it passed with large majorities. It's frightening to think that in a few years our country could be further divided along the basis of same-sex marriage. Yet another case where religion muddles government: marriage in the legal sense of the word means nothing more than a union of bank accounts and some rights gained, essentially (granted, I could be speaking out of my ass). However, we have forced legal marriages to encompass a larger definition that includes religious tradition, which is not in keeping with the principle of separation of church and state that our forefathers believed in and the Constitution upholds. Clearly high school US history classes are not doing their jobs, and not just in this case either....

Reflections of a College Student in Junior Year

What makes us work so hard to get somewhere? It's a badge of honor to have a sleepless night, and you're in the big time when you've have a few all-nighters in a row. At least at this university, it's almost a competition among students to determine who has the most work, who's most stressed out, who has the least time to themselves. Why do we do it? Why do we sacrifice our time, our money, our sleep, our sanity, even some of our loves to work to satisfy our ambition? And what is it that we ultimately want? Money, prestige, to make a difference, security for the future? I'm seriously doubting whether any of those ends are worth the sacrifices we make now.

There comes a point when you have to draw back and take stock of what you're doing. At least in my case, we get so focused on the little things that we forget about the larger world around us. I stress out about a grade, a project, a meeting, an application, work. I have become so busy and so strained that I almost missed fall. It's my favorite season, and I can't even go outside for an hour and just walk around, enjoying the turning of the leaves, the smell, the crisp air. I don't have time to carve a pumpkin, I don't even have time to get groceries.

I'm worried that I don't have what it takes to make it in my field. I'm scared that I won't get a good internship this summer because I haven't done outstanding things. I'm worried that I'm just not doing enough, that I need to do more to be successful. I'm stretched so thin that I feel like my performance has declined in everything. I used to strive to be the best and now I'm unsure of whether that goal is even feasible for me anymore. Every moment of every day, even when I sleep, I feel tense and strained. I can no longer go to sleep, regardless of the hour.

But more and more I'm beginning to feel like my goals just aren't worth it, that the sacrifices I'm making are too great. Americans used to average about three close relationships; studies have now shown that that number has decreased to two. Most people now have only two close friends. We've lost touch with simple pleasures, for cultivating relationships, for enjoying our surroundings, for taking a break. Taking a break is synonymous with failure. Failure is unacceptable.

The worst part about all of this is that I feel so alone in my disillusionment. Everyone around me is successful and happy. They are sleeping well, cultivating new relationships, having personal time, enjoying their work, doing well, and looking forward to the future. They see prospects in their futures that I don't see in mine. I'm jealous of my friends' success, happiness, and most of all, direction in their lives. I have two majors but I still don't feel like I've learned enough; I'm involved in a lot of different activities, both academic and recreational, but I still don't know what I want or where I'm going.

It makes it worse to feel that because of all these inadequacies, regardless of whether they are real or perceived, I'm a total failure in comparison to my peers. As much as I might have just said my ambition isn't worth the sacrifices I've been making, it's hard to let it go. It's hard to fail.