Fun in Florida

Over Thanksgiving, my family went to Florida, primarily because my cousin was getting married on that Saturday. We decided to just spend the entire holiday there, and it ended up being really fun, and changing my opinion about traveling during Thanksgiving, which I had previously been against.

Thanksgiving night we saw the Blue Man Group; my dad had gotten tickets in the middle of the second row. It was awesome! However, I really thought the band behind the three blue men was better than them overall. My mom got pulled on stage and they used her in one of their performances. It was great.

The weather was amazing , about 85 and sunny the whole time, so we spent almost every day in the pool. Friday night was my cousin's rehearsal dinner, at this great Italian restaurant. It was also open bar, so everyone drank a lot. Actually, that was the story of the weekend: there was so much food, and so much free alcohol. I've never had so much to drink in a five-day period before. But I didn't overindulge, that would have been extremely awkward in front of my parents and family.

Saturday was the wedding, held in an outdoor garden similar to what Phipps would be outside. It was only fifteen minutes long though, which seemed kind of a waste, seeing at it took so long to get ready. We waited for the wedding for longer than it actually was. My cousin is visibly happy though, and her husband is really great.

The hotel we stayed at was directly on the beach, and it was the weirdest experience to lie on the beach in the middle of November. I'm not complaining though. I also made a friend that weekend; my cousin Noah is three, and fell in love with the red satin dress I wore to the wedding, and followed my around after and the next day. He liked to try to "drain" me in the pool (that was how he pronounced "drown").

Happy Thanksgiving

The ultimate day of thanks. I figured, in the spirit of the holiday, I would write a long-needed Thankful Thursday, albeit a day late (a girl is busy, doncha know?). There are several things I've been meaning to post about, like the Soundbytes Boston trip (which was spectacular) but I have been so swamped recently that blogging took a back burner. That story will just have to wait until a later date.

- my family. I seem to put this down every time I do a Thankful Thursday, but I never cease to be thankful for them. They're always there for me and I never see enough of them. My brother in particular is the best, and I'm forever trying to be a better sister to him.
- having meaning in my life. I'm glad I have a lot going on in my life that I love to do, and that I do well.
- Soundbytes. They're all like family, and I don't know what I'm going to do when I graduate and leave them all...
- muffins. ^_^
- being able to touch people's lives. It is my continual goal to not only add meaning to my own life, but to help others add meaning to theirs as well. It's such a fulfilling experience, and getting to know many other people and help them when they need it, to recognize people's difference and revel in their uniqueness, is a constant joy.
- great friends. They're there for me, and I love them all.
- having people in my life who care about me. This could be covered with friends and family, but it needed a separate bullet because I am so thankful for this aspect of them in particular. For a long time I felt like I didn't have many people in my life who cared about me, that I wasn't really needed or wanted in people's lives, and that made me feel like my life was meaningless. I know now that I needn't have worried, because there are many people that care about me a great deal, and I feel so loved. And now I know the secret: if you love people, and they will love you back. You can never expect people to love you if you aren't returning it.

I know, mushy mushy. But isn't that what Thanksgiving is about, giving back and being thankful for everything you have in your life? Well, I am.

THANK YOU. I hope you had a wonderful, food-filled and joyous Thanksgiving.

The Million Dollar Question

What came first, the chicken or the egg??

xkcd

I've loved the xkcd comics for a long time, and just started reading a lot of them again recently. Randall Monroe (the creator) is coming to speak at CMU in a few weeks, which I find appropriate and hilarious. Most of the comic speaks to students of science, especially computer scientists, and it has developed quite a following here, to the point where someone had actually made a large-scale copy of one of the comics and installed it onto the entrance window of Wean Hall. How funny we are.

Here are some of my favorites at the moment:

I live a teenage boy's fantasy

Well, sometimes, maybe. I suppose I do for one reason only: I see many naked women on a regular basis.

Before you get all shocked and surprised, read on, it's not really that unusual. I have recently, as in the last few months or so, really gotten into swimming as a medium of exercise. I really enjoy it; it's low impact, works my whole body, helps me increase my lung capacity, and is also pretty relaxing as far as work outs go. Because of this, I spend far more time at the gym than I used to, and by extension, the locker room. Initially, I was surprised to find so many women both shower and just walk around naked. It's something I'd never experienced in my small-town childhood and adolescence. I felt uncomfortable, and averted my gaze whenever possible because I felt strange seeing so many naked women "put it all out there".

However, I've gotten used to it, and have actually begun to respect women for being confident enough about their bodies to walk around a semi-public place without clothes on. Not that I didn't before, but I realize now that it is not something as shocking as I had thought. We shouldn't be so concerned to show a little skin, and feel or be made uncomfortable by nudity. It's only natural. Being "exposed" to female nudity through something other than a porn film or health class also gives women a healthier perspective on appearance. Most women don't have perfect bodies, and few will ever be able to attain the form they desire, but women are still beautiful anyway. That's what I've come to understand anyway. After years of an unhealthy self-image and an unrealistically high standard of beauty, I'm finally starting to accept and appreciate the way I look for what it is, and I like it.

The only caveat to this openness in the locker room is when you come across someone you actually know bearing it all. That has happened to me several times, and it has been rather uncomfortable each time. No matter what, sometimes you just don't want to see a professor, or a university staff member you've worked with, naked....

Check it

A friend sent me a link to this awesome map. It becomes readily apparent which countries give their citizens more freedoms than others, and one can also easily see how wealth correlates with them. Sad, but true.

From the website:

The World Freedom Atlas is a geovisualization tool for world statistics. It was designed for social scientists, journalists, NGO/IGO workers, and others who wish to have a better understanding of issues of freedom, democracy, human rights, and good governance. It covers the years 1990-2006.

Pretty cool, huh?

Dr. Seuss

To remember:

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

Kitty!!

This weekend I took care of a friend's cat while he was away, and I just needed to share pictures of this adorable girl! She's four months old, and has an usually strong attraction to water. If you can't find her, the first place you should look is either the bath tub or kitchen sink, because that's usually where she'll be. I don't know why, she's just strangely drawn to it.

I call her Wheezy, though that's not really her name, because she, well, wheezes. A lot. It's like a mixture of asthma and a cold, and every time she breaths it rattles like Darth Vader. Adorable!!

I can't sleep

From frustration, mostly. This week has been really stressful, primarily because of group project work that sucks my soul. However, right now I'm bothered by something else, and that's the more pressing reason behind my insomnia.

I'm getting frustrated and disillusioned by Soundbytes. My membership in this a cappella group for the last three years has probably been more life-shaping than anything else in my college life. I've dedicated myself to it more than almost anyone, and I've been musical director for over two years. There have been ups and downs throughout my tenure, miscommunication and tensions between myself and the group that haven't been altogether pleasant, but I feel like I'm hitting a roadblock sooner than I have before, and I'm worried that I won't be able to overcome it.

It's always been a mostly thankless job. Everything I do, and therefore every mistake I make, is visible to the whole group, and I'm held accountable. I always have to be on my A-game, and when I slip, I'm criticized, verbally or otherwise. I knew this going in, to an extent, and while I've always wanted more recognition for the things I do and the dedication I've had to the group for so long, I've accepted that I usually won't get it. Who will say, "Lauren, thanks for running rehearsals and constantly trying to improving our sound", or who will recognize and acknowledge that the only rehearsal I have ever missed was to break up with my boyfriend of over two years? I've scheduled my life around Soundbytes, ensure that every meeting I have is rescheduled around it if necessary, leave other meetings that are still going on to be at rehearsal on time, and never schedule any personal trip or event on the weekend that would make me miss it.

I've always thought that this kind of dedication should be shown by the director, and that it was necessary and "part of the job". I still think it is. But I'm getting really tired of the near constant feelings of disrespect I get when I come to rehearsal twice a week. Currently, these feelings are heightened by the fact that I every arrangement I have ever done has been criticized and ridiculed by at least one member of the group. I think this is completely unacceptable, and incredibly demoralizing and hurtful, because I spend a lot of time putting those arrangements together for the group, just as any other arranger, and I'd hope that my efforts would at least be appreciated, and most certainly not dismissed like they have been. But this is more of a personal issue than a director one. I know that sometimes I am late more than I'd like, and that's probably something that undermines my authority. But I don't think that's the main cause of it. Regardless of if I'm 15 minutes early or 2 minutes late, if I bring food and an upbeat attitude or if I'm stressed, I feel like I hit a brick wall. All of the things I do right in rehearsal and out of rehearsal for Soundbytes are negated by one misstep, one mistake, one minute of lateness.

Sometimes I wish I could have everyone run rehearsal at least once, to see what it's like to be me, to see how different you must become to be director. It often feels like I'm fighting an uphill battle to get people to concentrate, learn their music, and improve. And I've done it for two years. I often fail at it, and every so often the group talks about strategies to get us to focus better, or be more productive, and they resolve to be more personally accountable for their actions. So far, that hasn't really happened. And every rehearsal I have to balance my participation in rehearsal from being the enforcer and the "teacher", keeping people focused and in line, and enjoying myself as well. More and more I'm feeling that I have to be the enforcer completely, and that I'm not supposed to relax and enjoy rehearsal occasionally as well. I feel like I have to be the perfect version of myself for the group, which is something I haven't even mastered in the other aspects of my life. I can't do it, and I don't think I should be required to.

Yes, I make mistakes. I'm human. I'm late sometimes, I'm forgetful, I have a temper and can lose my cool when stressed, and I get sidetracked occasionally. While I'm working on improving myself, it's not going to happen overnight. I should still be able to dictate the ideal behavior of the group without necessarily having to live it myself. No one else does. I should be able to critique and "lay down the law" and falter sometimes without feeling like the worst hypocrite. It's what I feel like now, and I'm frustrated with it. I have sacrificed so much already, missed opportunities in other aspects of my life to be at rehearsal, to devote myself to a group whose members, for the most part, don't recognize it.

I'm not saying that because of this I'm the "best Soundbyte", or that no one else spends as much time working for the group than I do, because that's not the case at all. I love this group, and the members in it. I wouldn't trade them for anyone, and most of the time I wouldn't want to trade my directorship for anything else. But I do feel like my feelings are the least noticed when criticism needs to be meted out, and generally discounted because of my role as director. When faulted for the bad, I'm not thanked or respected for the good. And that's the most demoralizing thing of all.

To Contemplate

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."

- Erica Jong

One of the Shouts

As you might have noticed, I changed the title of this blog. I've been thinking about doing so for a while now, but hadn't been able to think of anything good enough to replace what I currently had. The old title came from one of my favorite Emily Dickinson poems:

I SING to use the waiting,
My bonnet but to tie,
And shut the door unto my house;
No more to do have I,

Till, his best step approaching,
We journey to the day,
And tell each other how we sang
To keep the dark away.

However, in looking at it again, I realized that it no longer reflected what I feel or think (most of the time) and that I really needed to find a new title.

I've changed it to One of the Shouts for a reason. It comes from the short story "G.B.S. - Mark V" by Ray Bradbury, one of my favorite writers. The surrounding paragraph is thus:

"What are we?" he asked. "Why, we are the miracle of force and matter making itself over into imagination and will. Incredible. The Life Force experimenting with forms. You for one. Me for another. The Universe has shouted itself alive. We are one of the shouts. Creation turns in its abyss. We have bothered it, dreaming ourselves into shapes. The void is filled with slumbers; ten billion on a billion bombardments of light and material that know not themselves, that sleep moving and move but finally to make an eye and waken on themselves. Among so much that is flight and ignorance, we are the blind force that gropes like Lazarus from a billion-light-year tomb. We summon ourselves. We say, O Lazarus Life Force, come ye forth. So the Universe, a motion of deaths, fumbles to reach across Time to feel its own flesh and know it to be ours. We touch both ways and find each other miraculous because we are One."

I will let it just speak for itself, and maybe the passage will speak to you in the way it spoke to me. It may be a tad esoteric ^_^, and I'm not sure I'll keep it (I'm notoriously indecisive), but for the moment it does a good job in reflecting my current mantra in just a few words and also in explaining the purpose and goal of this blog in general.

To the Fullest

My grandfather passed away this Friday. My dad called me while I was at dinner to tell me the news, and the people I was with were somewhat shocked when I told them. I felt bad because I didn't want to make them uncomfortable, as the news of a death in the family is sometimes hard for people to respond to.

The emotions surrounding a death are often complex, and this is no exception. With my uncle's death last year, it was a whole lot simpler because it was so sad and fast (he was 60 and died of pancreatic cancer). My grandfather was 88, and had developed dementia in the last few years of his life, so caring for him was becoming more difficult and he hadn't really been himself, so his death is bittersweet. He lived a very full life:

He was born in 1919 in Youngwood, PA and lived his whole life in that town. He grew up very poor; one of the most memorable pictures of his childhood was of him and his siblings standing in their mud-filled yard, with two of them sitting on a horse. I've always loved that picture, it evokes so much emotion.

During the Great Depression he worked for the CCC, planting trees in eastern Pennsylvania and sending the money back home. When World War II broke out, he joined the army and was stationed in India as a mechanic. I honestly don't remember when he married my grandmother, I think it might have been right after the war ended, but they had their first child in 1946 (my Uncle Michael, the one who passed away last September). He was the first of eight. In order to make ends meet, my grandfather worked three jobs at one point.

He was very Italian; he loved to work in his garden, and every summer had a small field planted with corn and another field planted with a variety of vegetables. He loved onion sandwiches. He was also very reserved, and talked but rarely.

I wish I had learned more about his life, because there was so much he experienced. I love that I came from someone who worked so hard throughout his life, and cared so much for his family. I really value all that he did for my mom and her brothers and sisters, and thereby for me.

After I heard the news, my friends and I finished dinner and left to attend opening night for the Pittsburgh Symphony. They played Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 and Berlioz's Symphonie Fantastique. It was spectacular, and during that time I had a lot of time to think. My life is so rich, filled with great friends and so much opportunity, and I am so lucky to be alive and have all the things I do. My grandfather's death made me realize that I'm already a quarter of the way through it, God-willing. There's so much I want to do, and so little time to waste. I don't intend to watch the years pass without spending every day doing something I love, and maximizing on the opportunities that surround me.

With that in mind, here's a list of things I want to accomplish before I'm 25. I'd composed it a few months ago, and it's still being added to, but I wanted to put it down here to remind myself about everything I have left to do. I've already begun on the list and have done some of the things on it, but I'll leave it up to you to figure out what those are. ^_^

THINGS BEFORE 25

- graduate college
- be financially independent
- find a job I love
- go sky-diving
- learn to love my body
- fall in love again
- travel all 50 states (only 20 left!)
- live in another country
- travel to a new continent
- move to an unfamiliar place
- read a biography of every US president
- give up something I love (probably because it's bad for me)
- volunteer for a cause I truly believe in
- learn to live without regrets
- realize my own self-worth
- dye my hair an unnatural color
- paint another oil painting
- learn to drive standard
- become somewhat proficient in another language
- share a favorite pastime with a friend (i.e. make the friend fall in love with it)
- send inspiring thoughts to a random address via postcard
- travel to see a favorite musical group in concert
- learn to be on time
- try marijuana while I can still get away with it
- try a food I would never normally eat (something outrageously exotic)
- backpack through Europe
- get up obscenely early on a weekend to explore the city I’m in
- start a tradition with friends and stick to it
- learn to forgive
- live with as little hypocrisy in my life as possible
- get a pet
- do something completely spontaneous that ends up being one of the best events in my life
- visit a friend who lives far away
- work on a political campaign
- stop procrastinating
- go on an extended backpacking trip with a friend
- run in a marathon
- audition for American Idol
- accept and revel in the unknown

If you have any suggestions of things to add, let me know. Some of the goals are really ambitious, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to finish them in four years, but where's the fun in making something easy?

This whole experience has made me really value life even more than I already did, because of the acute understanding of one's own mortality that a death brings . There's no use in fearing death, which is something that I'm still coming to grips with, because it's an end everyone comes to. The only true power we have to overcome it is to live life to the fullest and value each day we have. I intend to do so.

My, How You've Grown!

I started caring for plants a few years ago, and my collection has grown since then, both in terms of the number of plants I have, and also their physical size. I recently decided that repotting was long past due, which I was completely right about; one plant's roots had started growing out of the bottom of the pot, and the other had sucked so many nutrients out of the soil that it had turned white. Now their happily living in their new, bigger pots with fresh soil, and I'm hoping they'll grow even faster now.


Before

After

Arrangement Love!

I feel so accomplished! Today Soundbytes started learning "Wannabe" by Spice Girls, which I'd finished last night. They're excited about it, and so am I. I think it will be upbeat and absolutely hilarious, and hopefully a suitable replacement for the Funky Music medley crowd-pleaser. I also pitched a new song to the group that had people more excited about an arrangement in a long time, "Headlock" by Imogen Heap. It'll be really hard, but so worth it when finished, because it's amazing. I have a crush on the song at the moment, and have been listening to it nonstop, which sometimes happens with certain songs or artists for me. I've had a music infatuation with Modest Mouse for a couple months, and it hasn't really abated yet. I'd love to do one of their songs a cappella, but we don't have an Isaac Brock voice in the group, sadly. :(



In other news, I've been sick this past month, and just had a relapse for the worse. Literally most of the school is sick with same thing, and I'm really hoping I kick it soon. I hate coughing up a lung and being unable to sing.

Language

I've recently been rediscovering my love of language, and have decided that I'd like to try to learn a bit of some Asian language. Nan and Diana have been teaching me phrases in Mandarin and Cantonese, and I'm apparently much better at Cantonese pronunciation than Mandarin (it's hard!!). I think it'll be useful to know a little bit so I can start recognizing some words that people use, and just generally understand more of the world.

I learned a few funny phrases from them, and worked really hard to get them right. ^_^ I challenge you to figure this one out (my jyutping might be a tad off though): dim gāai ne m̀h júng ji ngoh?

Picture Overload!

I just uploaded a bunch of pictures from the last month onto my computer, some of them I had intended on posting here long ago. The first set are from the flooding in Pittsburgh in early August, and the second set are from Jen's wedding this past Sunday.



The wedding, by the by, was wonderful. It was so fun to road trip to Philadelphia with Rohan, Ashleigh, Lara, and Maria (Rohan had a lot to put up with, four girls being in the car and all). We spent Saturday night in downtown Philadelphia, ate dinner with Ashleigh's family at a great Thai restaurant, and met with Dwight (who I know will be reading this, and needs to visit more often :P) at a bar/restaurant in a really awesome part of town. Philadelphia night life is just... cool. Bigger than Pittsburgh, more low-key than New York, with a really been-there vibe because of the colonial-era buildings, it was great fun.

At the wedding and reception on Sunday we saw a bunch of old 'Bytes we hadn't seen in years. It's strange to think that three of the people in Soundbytes when I entered freshman year are married! I feel both old and young at the same time. It was a great ceremony, and a wonderful reception. Very Jen, of course. ^_^ She looked really, genuinely, contagiously happy, as she should. Part of the reception incorporated some Chinese traditions, like a lion dance, and Jen changed into a more traditional Chinese dress halfway through. Unfortunately, we had to leave early to get back to Pittsburgh at a relatively reasonable hour (2am), so we missed the majority of the dancing. Ah well. She and Jon are probably in Hawai'i by now, enjoying their honeymoon. Congrats again to them!

Floored

Tonight I received an email of congratulation. I was selected to be an Andrew Carnegie Society Scholar, one of only 36. It was a complete surprise, not least because it came at 10 o'clock at night.

It is a recognition for high academic achievement and commitment to outside activities like volunteering, involvement in student organizations, participation in the arts, and the like. This alone was highly gratifying, because I don't presume to be the greatest scholar, and I certainly don't have the highest grades (although I do well), and while involved, I have always thought I could do more. Another part of the recognition is a scholarship, which again, was completely unexpected. It's of fairly significant value, too, which will be helpful, to say the least.

This is yet another reminder of the fact that I am a Senior, that the final year is upon me, and that we're "the best in the school", in the words of a senior friend. I never expected to be recognized in any material way, since my class is so much larger than my high school class and the bar is so much higher. I feel like I am much less outstanding here, both academically and otherwise, when compared to the hundreds of intelligent, passionate, and involved students at CMU. It's an honor to be recognized for the work I've done here by being counted as one of them, to know that it has been appreciated, and that is something rather special.

It takes all kinds to make a world...

But there are some the world might be better left without. I know that after a certain number of years, one develops a lot of friendships, loses some, and just overall gains a lot of experience in communication and person-to-person interaction. Sometimes relationships can get a little hairy (fights break out, you fall out of touch, the relationship becomes strained), but most of the time they are fairly routine, in the sense that those cataclysmic events between two people that occur in movies or stories would rarely if ever happen to them. I'm referring to battle royales, or "fights to the death", actions taken by people that are so very much larger-than-life that they couldn't possibly happen to you. Most people could be what is considered "normal"; that is, not conduct themselves in such a way as to create those often comical situations between a friend, or an enemy, or some other character in film that brings people to the theater nightly. Unfortunately, I think I fall in to the rare category of having just such a movie-esque experience. I got to see firsthand what completely irrational, rude, uncalled-for, destructive, blown-out-of-proportion behavior is - from the receiving end - and believe me, one that was certainly the opposite of comical (at the time), stressful, frustrating, and one I would rather have lived never experiencing.

Do I invite this kind of craziness into my life? I certainly hope not. Do I deserve to be treated in the certifiably insane way I was these last few days, especially so unexpectedly and with little-to-no provocation? I don't think so. My question is, who in their right mind DOES THIS? I didn't think things like what just happened to me actually happen in real life, but clearly I was mistaken. It really was straight out of science fiction, or maybe a soap opera. While I do love a good drama, I would rather it stay on the big screen where it belongs, and not creep uninvited into my life. And the people who do decide to take a trip on the crazy canal, maybe you should look into counseling, or some other form of psychotherapy before you decide to include other people and expose yourself so utterly to derision. Please people, just think before you act; you'll save yourself from a lot of ridicule.

Something about Values

I've started RA training, and while working grueling hours, it can be fun at times. We have the weekend off, of sorts, and then the dear freshies come to campus to start Orientation. In a way my building lucked out/got jipped, because we have no freshman this year. While this means we have more flexibility during Orientation week (a plus because now I can attend more Heinz Orientation events) we don't get to have first years to hang out with and get to know. Ah well.

Today we discussed "values" and while it's a topic that is often overdone, and can be fun to discover what values matter most to you. Surprisingly, a lot of mine correspond to my name, so here they are:

Love
Acceptance
Uniqueness
Respect
Empathy
INtelligence

There are more that correspond to my last name too, but I decided I didn't want to put my last name on here, for various reasons. Message me if you want to see it too.

Interesting, How Age Creeps up on Us

Last week I turned 21. It's interesting how people look forward to that birthday more than almost any other. A few days before I went to party at the fraternity of a friend of mine, a kind of pre-pre-birthday celebration, and the end of my days as a "lawbreaker" (from underage drinking of course). I felt old. Even though I wasn't yet 21, I still knew that I was one of the oldest people there, and in a few days time, one of the few legally allowed to be participating in the activities of said party. I felt my age creeping up on me, and it had been coming on for a while.

While excited for my birthday, the feeling was intermingled with one of slight dread. I know it probably sounds silly, but I wasn't all that sure I'd enjoy this birthday as much as I've done on my past birthdays. It marked the last birthday of major significance, the last one that meant something; 13, you're finally a teenager, 16, you can drive, 18, you can vote and are legally an adult, and finally, the big 21. After this, what birthdays are there of any importance? 25? Yes, now you're in your mid-twenties. 30? You're starting to get old, and the black balloons of 40 seem startlingly close. At 21, the gates have opened for you, you've been allowed entrance into the adult world, and while you've waited for this day for, well, probably years, it also marks one of the last times you can still be a kid.

I felt my age rushing upon me faster than I would have liked. My parents have made their reservations at a local hotel for my graduation weekend; I've been accepted into a graduate program and will be starting my master's classes in a few weeks; I was turning 21, and would finally be able to go to places I'd been denied for the last three years. Maybe I was overreacting, but I was a bit scared. It's a big change, going from being the youngest person at the party to being the oldest, feeling almost out of place at a place I'd been completely comfortable in for years. Many of my friends have left and found jobs, are getting married, have bought houses. While I'm looking forward to all of that, I'm not sure I'm ready for it just yet.

So it was with these sobering thoughts that I entered my 21st year of being. Don't misunderstand, I was excited about it more than anything else; the darker thoughts didn't weigh that heavily on my mind. But they were still somewhat present, and they all came rushing back when I went for my first legal drink. I entered the bar somewhat nervously because the bouncer almost didn't let me in (something about not being sure of the bar's policy on dates, "the day you open is the day you close", etc.), and ordered a Smithwick's Irish Ale, which I had never had before. The bar was pretty empty, it was late, and the bartender called me "Old Lady" every time he passed me by. ^_^

Instead of feeling old like I had been dreading for about a month, sure that that was what was going to happen, I felt young! I had been a good girl, I don't have a fake i.d. and the bars in Pittsburgh card fairly rigorously, so I had never been to a bar before that day. It came like an epiphany: all those years of drinking were illegal. While legally the age of adulthood is reached at 18, it is not until 21, the age when that last constraint on your behavior is lifted, that you fully attain it. It's like the adulthood I'd experienced was a pale shadow of the real thing, which has absolutely nothing to do with being allowed to drink and everything to do with a cultural acceptance that you are finally old enough to make unrestricted decisions about your behavior.

I laughed at myself for being so naive to think that I was old by being 21. It just shows how young I really am, I suppose. There's a whole world of experience out there that I haven't tapped into yet, and even though I've finally left childhood and adolescence behind (though most people, including myself, would hate to admit that it has lasted this long), I've only just entered adulthood. I still have all of my twenties left!

So find me silly, find me naive, and laugh with me for thinking these things, which is what I did. I thought myself old, and found myself young. I'm only 21!