Reflections of a College Student in Junior Year

What makes us work so hard to get somewhere? It's a badge of honor to have a sleepless night, and you're in the big time when you've have a few all-nighters in a row. At least at this university, it's almost a competition among students to determine who has the most work, who's most stressed out, who has the least time to themselves. Why do we do it? Why do we sacrifice our time, our money, our sleep, our sanity, even some of our loves to work to satisfy our ambition? And what is it that we ultimately want? Money, prestige, to make a difference, security for the future? I'm seriously doubting whether any of those ends are worth the sacrifices we make now.

There comes a point when you have to draw back and take stock of what you're doing. At least in my case, we get so focused on the little things that we forget about the larger world around us. I stress out about a grade, a project, a meeting, an application, work. I have become so busy and so strained that I almost missed fall. It's my favorite season, and I can't even go outside for an hour and just walk around, enjoying the turning of the leaves, the smell, the crisp air. I don't have time to carve a pumpkin, I don't even have time to get groceries.

I'm worried that I don't have what it takes to make it in my field. I'm scared that I won't get a good internship this summer because I haven't done outstanding things. I'm worried that I'm just not doing enough, that I need to do more to be successful. I'm stretched so thin that I feel like my performance has declined in everything. I used to strive to be the best and now I'm unsure of whether that goal is even feasible for me anymore. Every moment of every day, even when I sleep, I feel tense and strained. I can no longer go to sleep, regardless of the hour.

But more and more I'm beginning to feel like my goals just aren't worth it, that the sacrifices I'm making are too great. Americans used to average about three close relationships; studies have now shown that that number has decreased to two. Most people now have only two close friends. We've lost touch with simple pleasures, for cultivating relationships, for enjoying our surroundings, for taking a break. Taking a break is synonymous with failure. Failure is unacceptable.

The worst part about all of this is that I feel so alone in my disillusionment. Everyone around me is successful and happy. They are sleeping well, cultivating new relationships, having personal time, enjoying their work, doing well, and looking forward to the future. They see prospects in their futures that I don't see in mine. I'm jealous of my friends' success, happiness, and most of all, direction in their lives. I have two majors but I still don't feel like I've learned enough; I'm involved in a lot of different activities, both academic and recreational, but I still don't know what I want or where I'm going.

It makes it worse to feel that because of all these inadequacies, regardless of whether they are real or perceived, I'm a total failure in comparison to my peers. As much as I might have just said my ambition isn't worth the sacrifices I've been making, it's hard to let it go. It's hard to fail.