A Talent for Similes

I've become enamored with P.G. Wodehouse, an early 20th century humorist. He seems to match acerbic wit with superb imagery, often directed towards those ever-so-evil relations, Aunts, which can be summed up as: "It is no use telling me there are bad aunts and good aunts. At the core, they are all alike. Sooner or later, out pops the cloven hoof".

I thought I'd share some of my favorite quotes from his plethora of work. I hope they give you a chuckle, or maybe even a chortle. ^_^

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The Right Hon. was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say "When!"
- Very Good, Jeeves (1930)

Chumps always make the best husbands. When you marry, Sally, grab a chump. Tap his head first, and if it rings solid, don't hesitate. All the unhappy marriages come from husbands having brains. What good are brains to a man? They only unsettle him.
- Sally (1920)

What a curse these social distinctions are. They ought to be abolished. I remember saying that to Karl Marx once, and he thought there might be an idea for a book in it.
- Quick Service (1940)

Her voice trailed away in a sigh that was like the wind blowing through the cracks in a broken heart.

...fell into the washing machine and did as many revolutions per minute as a small African republic....

If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.
- The Code of the Woosters (1938)

"I remember years ago, Bertie," said Aunt Dahlia, "when you nearly swallowed your rubber comforter and started turning purple. And I, ass that I was, took it out and saved your life. Let me tell you, it will go very hard with you if you ever swallow a rubber comforter again when only I am by to aid."
- Right Ho, Jeeves (1934)

There is only one cure for grey hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
- The Old Reliable (1951)

"And deer?''
"Several deer.''
"I love deer.''
"Me, too. I've met some very decent deer.''

Whatever may be said in favour of the Victorians, it is pretty generally admitted that few of them were to be trusted within reach of a trowel and a pile of bricks.
- Summer Moonshine (1938)

The face was drawn, the eyes haggard, the general appearance that of one who has searched for the leak in life's gaspipe with a lighted candle.

Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoi's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty.
- Jill the Reckless (1921)

"What was that about glue?''
"Igloo, it's a sort of gloo they have up in the Arctic circle.''
"I see.''
"Stickier than the usual kind.''

I can detach myself from the world. If there is a better world to detach oneself from than the one functioning at the moment I have yet to hear of it.

And closing the door with the delicate caution of one brushing flies off a sleeping Venus, he passed out of my life.
- Very Good, Jeeves (1930) "Jeeves and the Old School Chum''

The rule by which he had always lived was that the best would have to do until something better came along.

His first emotion was one of surprise that so much human tonnage could have been assembled at one spot. A cannibal king, beholding them, would have whooped with joy and reached for his knife and fork with the feeling that for once, the catering department had not failed him.

"What ho!'' I said.
"What ho!'' said Monty.
"What ho! What ho!''
"What ho! What ho! What ho!''
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.
- Carry On, Jeeves (1925) "Jeeves and the Unbidden Guest"

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
- The Main Upstairs (1914)