I can't sleep

From frustration, mostly. This week has been really stressful, primarily because of group project work that sucks my soul. However, right now I'm bothered by something else, and that's the more pressing reason behind my insomnia.

I'm getting frustrated and disillusioned by Soundbytes. My membership in this a cappella group for the last three years has probably been more life-shaping than anything else in my college life. I've dedicated myself to it more than almost anyone, and I've been musical director for over two years. There have been ups and downs throughout my tenure, miscommunication and tensions between myself and the group that haven't been altogether pleasant, but I feel like I'm hitting a roadblock sooner than I have before, and I'm worried that I won't be able to overcome it.

It's always been a mostly thankless job. Everything I do, and therefore every mistake I make, is visible to the whole group, and I'm held accountable. I always have to be on my A-game, and when I slip, I'm criticized, verbally or otherwise. I knew this going in, to an extent, and while I've always wanted more recognition for the things I do and the dedication I've had to the group for so long, I've accepted that I usually won't get it. Who will say, "Lauren, thanks for running rehearsals and constantly trying to improving our sound", or who will recognize and acknowledge that the only rehearsal I have ever missed was to break up with my boyfriend of over two years? I've scheduled my life around Soundbytes, ensure that every meeting I have is rescheduled around it if necessary, leave other meetings that are still going on to be at rehearsal on time, and never schedule any personal trip or event on the weekend that would make me miss it.

I've always thought that this kind of dedication should be shown by the director, and that it was necessary and "part of the job". I still think it is. But I'm getting really tired of the near constant feelings of disrespect I get when I come to rehearsal twice a week. Currently, these feelings are heightened by the fact that I every arrangement I have ever done has been criticized and ridiculed by at least one member of the group. I think this is completely unacceptable, and incredibly demoralizing and hurtful, because I spend a lot of time putting those arrangements together for the group, just as any other arranger, and I'd hope that my efforts would at least be appreciated, and most certainly not dismissed like they have been. But this is more of a personal issue than a director one. I know that sometimes I am late more than I'd like, and that's probably something that undermines my authority. But I don't think that's the main cause of it. Regardless of if I'm 15 minutes early or 2 minutes late, if I bring food and an upbeat attitude or if I'm stressed, I feel like I hit a brick wall. All of the things I do right in rehearsal and out of rehearsal for Soundbytes are negated by one misstep, one mistake, one minute of lateness.

Sometimes I wish I could have everyone run rehearsal at least once, to see what it's like to be me, to see how different you must become to be director. It often feels like I'm fighting an uphill battle to get people to concentrate, learn their music, and improve. And I've done it for two years. I often fail at it, and every so often the group talks about strategies to get us to focus better, or be more productive, and they resolve to be more personally accountable for their actions. So far, that hasn't really happened. And every rehearsal I have to balance my participation in rehearsal from being the enforcer and the "teacher", keeping people focused and in line, and enjoying myself as well. More and more I'm feeling that I have to be the enforcer completely, and that I'm not supposed to relax and enjoy rehearsal occasionally as well. I feel like I have to be the perfect version of myself for the group, which is something I haven't even mastered in the other aspects of my life. I can't do it, and I don't think I should be required to.

Yes, I make mistakes. I'm human. I'm late sometimes, I'm forgetful, I have a temper and can lose my cool when stressed, and I get sidetracked occasionally. While I'm working on improving myself, it's not going to happen overnight. I should still be able to dictate the ideal behavior of the group without necessarily having to live it myself. No one else does. I should be able to critique and "lay down the law" and falter sometimes without feeling like the worst hypocrite. It's what I feel like now, and I'm frustrated with it. I have sacrificed so much already, missed opportunities in other aspects of my life to be at rehearsal, to devote myself to a group whose members, for the most part, don't recognize it.

I'm not saying that because of this I'm the "best Soundbyte", or that no one else spends as much time working for the group than I do, because that's not the case at all. I love this group, and the members in it. I wouldn't trade them for anyone, and most of the time I wouldn't want to trade my directorship for anything else. But I do feel like my feelings are the least noticed when criticism needs to be meted out, and generally discounted because of my role as director. When faulted for the bad, I'm not thanked or respected for the good. And that's the most demoralizing thing of all.